“We measure time in context to light and the circling of our planet around the Sun, right? But is time limited to the way we conceive it? Is time the mere tick tock of our clocks that countdown to death? If there were living beings on the electrons of an atom speedily circling the nucleus, would our seconds equate to that of theirs? How about the cumulative time for our solar system circling the centre of our galaxy? Does our concept of time that we say we lack in this so called fast paced modern society still work? Is it possible to measure distances to the stars with the help of a mere yardstick? Where then, does our reality lie? The busy streets of any city offer a sore spectacle to the eyes, people rushing about from one place to another, all in attempt to overcome that horrid time. When I am told to come back to reality are people implying that I come down to what they perceive reality as? Can there be a common reality? Or is it unique to each individual as their thumbprints are? Is the human mind capable of milking the answers out of the Universal teat? Once more is it possible to measure distances to the stars with the help of a mere yardstick?‿
“I don’t think so‿, she said meekly as if I’d punch her if she didn’t. Women! I continued…
“Tom, an injured war hero, came back home after an absence of seven months to see his wife, Silvia in bed with his best friend. Is Tom’s reality the same as mine? Does he look up to see the same patterns in the sky as I do? Did he murder his wife and his best friend with same intentions I tell you all this? Was Silvia’s reality the same as Tom’s? Where, I ask again, does our reality lie then? Why, then is everyone so concerned about coming back to reality, when none of us even knows where it lies?‿
After catching my breath I looked at her for some sort of reaction. She had a completely blank expression on her face. I doubted she understood or even listened to what I had said. I hated her again.
Suddenly she cried “I’m pregnant Rohan‿, and started raining down a storm of tears on my shirt.
We walked back home in complete silence. A few days later I learnt she had hung herself from the bathroom ceiling. I couldn’t but help feel guilty. As much as I liked to deny it, even to myself, I think I had always been in love with Pinky. When she told me she was pregnant; I couldn’t mutter a word not because I didn’t have any, but because I was hurt. I couldn’t sleep for weeks. My head hurt so bad, I’d be tossing and turning on bed, sleepy as hell, but without being able to sink into the comfortable realm of dreams. After about a month in the solitary confinement of my room, I emerged, and headed to the nearest bar to get myself insanely drunk. I eventually got into a brawl which landed me up in the hospital for a week.
That weird concept called time seemed to be miraculous if nothing else. I had become myself pretty much as I remembered myself to have been like. Her memory still brought cramps to my heart but I had mastered the art of aversion. I’d usually spend my days with my nose buried in books or writing.
I also developed a taste for visiting cremation grounds. I’d sit for hours and watch bodies burst into flame and eventually be reduced to ashes. I never knew so many people died everyday. My feelings about death also changed. I couldn’t but help feel its awesome power over everything. The chapter on those who died would end but the book of life would still go on. Would the book too one day succumb to the prowess of death? Would the universe eventually die too? What would happen after that? What would remain? There must be other universes… there must. There must be something beyond death… if not existence meant nothing. For the fist time I felt for the sheep of our world. The way they went around gathering and guarding all their lives, just to be themselves whisked away by the strong and swift claws of the inevitable.
It was already mid October. I was hoping my allergy would forget to appear this year, but like a punctual guest it settled over me for a few grueling weeks. With a runny nose, stuffed ears, feverish chills and sneezes erupting unexpectedly, life had become extremely difficult to live as one would like to. Reading was almost impossible with out smearing the books with snot. Bones, especially around the joints felt extremely feeble, infant like. Sleep was dominated by dreams of extreme proportions. I for my own reasons of abstinence refrained from taking any drugs. The allergy, punctual as ever, left as suddenly as it arrived. If only all guests were as agreeable.
The room was dark. She had whisked me away from the others saying she needed to talk to me. I sat down opposite to her, swaying to and fro resisting the giddiness of alcohol. I had been drinking since early morning, one beer after another, and it was almost ten in the evening now. All I could make out was the vague outline of her body. I nonetheless felt her huge animated eyes upon me. She lit a cigarette and started:
“I think this is it!‿ There was a pause. “It’s over.‿ She said with what seemed an effort.
I didn’t reply.
“Rohan!‿ she yelped. I had long started to detest the authoritative air she basked in.
“What?‿ said I with a tone of irritation.
“Why do you always have to be like this? I know your theory of words not being able to express everything in the heart… but I need them; the ESP you talk about is not working here. I’m a girl and I need to be told I am loved. I can’t go on like this Rohan, I just can’t.‿
“I am fine with that‿ I replied indifferently. I felt her wrath on my skin, it felt pleasant. I had been meaning to see her pumped with rage for a long time. What did she know of love?
“That’s all?‿ She cried. “Did you even ever love me?‿
“No.‿ I said and kept quiet.
“Oh my God! I’ve been such a fool! All this time!‿ She hurriedly got up and left the room. I let myself collapse on the bed in satisfaction. I had gotten back at her for all that she made me go through. Not that I had really ever loved her. I don’t even know what love is.
I fondly remembered her huge green eyes that twinkled with childlike effulgence. How her full lips perked up in a smile, a smile that communicated affection but looked so fake. Many a times I contemplated on smashing in that beautiful fake face-mask-to see what she really hid behind it.
Her name was Cindy. We had met at a bar and in my drunken state she found me romantic. It was her nineteenth birthday. Like the moon she came into the room, glowing. I had eyed her from a corner hiding behind a bottle of beer. She was beautiful, she looked immaculate; like the moon. Beautiful like the moon in reflected light. Fake like the plastic flowers in my sister’s living room. I approached her and let the alcohol do the talking. The alcohol had its own way; she fell in love (or did she?) with the alcohol in me. I guess I was as fake as she, for I shined in the light of my own choice of sun, alcohol. But alas, the sun set for both of us. We were stripped. Rocky and cold, all we could do was hope the other remembered us of when we shined. I had known early on this couldn’t have lasted. It wasn’t much of a surprise for me when she told me she had enough. I was grateful.
Pinky still occupied that space at the back of my head like a hangover. She seemed more beautiful, now that she was no more. Memories and a handful of pictures were the only evidences of her short existence in this plane. I had developed the habit of staying awake all night, through the wee hours of the morning till eleven. I had become a creature of the night. A nocturnal bohemian rejoicing in the alluring coldness and stillness of the night, yes that’s what I had become. I’d spread myself on the roof and stare at the stars. The patterns were still there beckoning me to solve their ancient riddles. “Pinky must know‿, I’d think. “Why doesn’t she give me a sign?‿ Then suddenly a meteorite would zoom across the black skies. Coincidence? I don’t know.
We called ourselves civilized. Sophisticated weapons and unshakable wrath gauged our civility. Half baked parasites chose to rule the domestic as well as national frontiers. It was an exhibition of putting on ugly faces and uttering powerful words. “Of course I care‿ and then they’d go and scribble a bit, that’s how much they cared. It was disgusting. Maybe enchanting to unsuspecting eyes, but to me, they were naked half baked parasites. Everyone and everything in the universe conspired against the true, “sell yourself or be sold‿.
I wanted to change. Life wasn’t long enough. I wanted to be born again, knowing all that I knew now. Wishful but pitiable, I was. The world was overflowing. Not enough food. War. Disease. Misery. How could have intelligent beings overlook such inevitable consequences, when they started off in their crusade of democracy and modernization? What was to be done? A few long haired frenzies crouching together could not set the world back on track. Evolution was the answer not revolution. “Wake up! Get out there and reach for the stars! Go and live you bloody fools! Why waste this opportunity of existence in trifle pursuits.‿ I wanted to scream. I wanted to scream till everyone’s ears bled and my pathetic cancered lungs burst.
I could smell that woman over the internet. Her desires reached me explicitly in the form of a smell, over the seven seas. I shuddered in revolt and yet felt elated for having someone drool over me, far as she may have been. Maybe she understood me? That’d be interesting. I exercised my new found power over people. I had been deliberately innocent for way to long. It was my turn to pull the strings for once. My moves were rusty, but I had stumbled across a punching bag. I’d practice; train myself so that I could use my techniques to slash through thick undergrowths blocking my path.
“You always bring a smile to my face‿ She’d under the veil of a computer screen.
I’d think for a while and in self induced modesty say something completely bogus.
“Oh but why don’t you say something strange? Say something distressful!‿ she’d say. I could’ve sworn I felt her shudder in sexual anticipation. She must have been one hell of woman to be able to transport her love scent over such a distance..
To that I’d say something suave sending her into complete ecstasy. I never knew words were so powerful. Maybe Cindy was right after all. Maybe I should have expressed myself more. But I hated to say things I didn’t believe in. People however seemed to be ready to bend backwards just to hear what they wanted to. I had never thought of it in that way before. From now on, I could choose to have an upper hand, I wouldn’t have to stoop below my level anymore.
It had started to rain dreadfully. I wrapped myself in some warm fiber and ran over to a bar about fifteen minutes from where I lived. There were puddles everywhere. I accidentally jumped into one every now and then, much to the annoyance of my fellow pedestrians. Some of them even went as far as to curse me. Bloody bastards! They should have stayed home staring at their god damned feet if they hated the rain so much. I sped away looking back at them fools with a sheepish smile and almost got run over by a jeep that had just turned a corner. ‘Looser’ I screamed and ran off again. I entered the dark smoky pub pretty much soaked to the bone. The guy who owned the place came up to me and smiled.
‘Hows it goin Rohan, buddy?’ He had a glass of whiskey in his hands and seemed to be pretty drunk. I always wondered why people started drinking whiskey after getting a job or just running a bar. Though I was unemployed and for sure didn’t own a bar, I tried drinking whiskey just for kicks once. I didn’t at all like it that much. I made up my mind to leave that for the time being until I got a job or owned a bar. I’d stick to beer till then.
‘It’s all good bro’ I said. I had forgotten his name again. I have a hard time remembering anyone’s name. But once I do, I never forget. ‘Looks like you got a pretty good thing goin on in here, huh?’
He puffed up like a proud mother and smiled. ‘Oh it’s okay, not much business’ I looked around. The place was full. ‘Bloody businessmen’ I thought. They always had to act modest for some damn reason even when the facts were so evident. I found it quite amusing. I had once tried doing that as well. It was when someone asked me how I did in my exams to which I put on a pathetic face and said ‘Oh man… I did horrible, I’m gonna fail for sure.’ I ended up failing anyway.
He told one of the waiters to bring me a towel and a glass of whiskey. ‘I’d like a beer actually’ I said.
‘No man! You’re wet, start off with some whiskey, it’ll warm you up’
‘I don’t like whiskey that much, I think I’d rather have a beer’
‘Heck man! I don’t want anyone dying of pneumonia in my pub. Drink the whiskey first, it’ll be on me’
‘This guy is nut’ I thought. I didn’t need him to buy me a glass of bloody whiskey. He sounded like he was helping out a broke drunk. ‘Ok ok!! I’ll take the whiskey, thanks, but I’ll get it myself’ I said with a feigned smile.
‘Rohan bro! This ones on me’ he insisted. I didn’t want to make it a big deal so I relented. The waiter came up. ‘Towel sah’ he said with a bow. I wondered why everyone was treating me like that. I took the towel and dried my hair. ‘Bloody a&&holes’ I thought. ‘They’ll butter me up as long as I preserve my dignity by paying for my drinks. Once I become a desperate drunk they’ll look down at me like a piece of trash and refuse to even give me the time.’ I knew what people of that sort were like. They enjoyed rising by dragging the weak man down. Bloody pricks!
I sat at the bar like I always did, eyeing the various liquors arranged on the wall at the back. Mirrored shelves created an illusion of more bottles than in reality. An old trick almost all bars tried to pull off, and maybe they did for some, I wasn’t one of them. I asked them if they had any Slayer. The bar tender, helpful like hell, handed me a whole collection of cds. I smiled politely and flipped through the collection. I couldn’t believe they had techno shit in there too. I finally found the slayer cd which I handed over to be played. The boom of thrash metal in my ears relaxed me a little bit. ‘Welcome to my world’, I thought sinisterly.
The owner appeared again. Only this time he was with two beautiful girls. ‘Rohan, meet Uma and Layla.’ I smiled at them nervously. For some reason I always became nervous when confronted by beautiful girls especially if I wasn’t completely drunk. The girls looked like sisters. Both had beautiful faces decorated with sharp features under a waterfall of long auburn hair till their waists. Uma had “Nirvana‿ written on her T-shirt. I fell in love with her immediately.
‘So you like Nirvana?’ I asked, avoiding her luscious black eyes.
‘I love them! Pete here was telling me you liked them too’
‘So that’s what his name was, Pete.’ I thought to myself. I was sure as hell I’d never forget his name again. Pete looked at me with a smile. I smiled back.
‘Would ya guys like a seat?’ I asked gesturing towards the empty stools. Uma took a seat beside me while Layla sat next to her in politeness, I presumed. Pete said he had some things to do but would be back later on. He gave me another smile before he left. This time I acted as if I hadn’t noticed. I was getting fed up with his smiles.
Layla stared blankly at the other guests, sipping her yellow drink at almost equal intervals. Uma was facing me and I could feel her warm body next to me. I was still wet and was unintentionally shivering. I tried to keep my hands still but couldn’t. I was worried that I’d touch Uma. From the strain of holding still, half my body felt paralyzed.
‘Oh yer shivering’ she said grabbing my arm. Her hands felt incredibly warm. I blushed and smiled at her in loss of words. ‘Got caught in the rain huh?’ I nodded in affirmation, still at a loss of words. ‘Finish up yer drink then’ she said laughingly, exposing a perfect set of pearl like teeth and pink gums. I downed my drink in one go and felt it spread from the bottom of my stomach to the tip of my ears. I smiled.
‘So what songs do ya like?’ she said.
I looked at the ceiling as if I was thinking for a bit and said, ‘Well I like anything as long as it’s not too commercial. But I prefer rock or metal most of the time.’
She burst out in laughter. ‘What Nirvana songs do you like, I meant?’ she said with anxious eyes.
‘I like all of them’ I replied. ‘Bleach is my favorite album though.’
‘Mine too!’ she exclaimed.
I was at a loss of words again. I did what I was best at; I smiled.
‘Rohan’ she said getting up. I looked at her. ‘I need to go to the bathroom, be right back’
‘Sure’, I said.
She had a perfect body; slim but curvy as anything. My eyes followed her until she disappeared. I discovered mine were not the only eyes to have done that as I saw a number of heads turning. Layla looked at me for a second and smiled timidly. She for sure wasn’t the outgoing one among those two. I felt more comfortable with her. ‘Do you like Nirvana too?’ I asked trying to strike up a conversation.
‘Yes, they’re great’ she answered in almost a whisper. She took a sip of her drink immediately after that and diverted her eyes to some picture hanging on the wall behind the bar. I could tell she felt uncomfortable talking with me. Maybe the same way I felt uncomfortable talking with Uma. Beautiful girls were enough to make me go weak on the knees but beautiful girls with an out going personality made it worse. I empathized with Lalyla and held my peace.
‘Bro! Could you give me a chilled Tuborg?’ I asked the barman. He bowed and brought a chilled bottle and a mug. He was about to pour me the beer but I stopped him. I hated it when people poured me drinks. I had two hands and was perfectly capable of pouring for myself. I expertly poured myself a glass and was about to take a sip when I felt a hand on my shoulders. It was Uma.
‘Silly boy!’ She said. ‘A minute ago you were shivering like a puppy and now yer about to drink that chilled horror?’
I gave a deep laugh, from the back of my throat and in a synergy of new found confidence said ‘Ah! But you’ll be here to keep me warm.’ I grew pale as soon as finished my sentence. I couldn’t believe I just said that.
She gave me a weird look. ‘This is it’ I thought preparing myself for a thrashing. Suddenly she started laughing like crazy. Between her laughter and gasps for breath she managed to say ‘I never thought you would come up with something like that, from the way you were acting earlier. That’s a lot better. Keep it up!’ I joined in on the laughter and I saw Layla smiling too. We controlled ourselves when we noticed that almost everyone in the bar was looking at us in comical amusement. The ice was finally broken and a sense of calm resided over me. I had heard of some guy who had walked up to a girl in a bar and crushed an ice cube with his shoes and said ‘Now that the ice is broken, what do you say we dance?’ I resolved to try that out sometime.
‘So what do you do besides listening to Nirvana?’ she asked me in friendly sarcasm.
‘Well I like to read and I enjoy trying my hand at poetry once in a while’ I replied.
She gave me a warm look and brushed some of her hair away from her eyes. She reminded me of Pinky. They didn’t even look alike, forget about having similar personalities. Pinky was more like Layla, shy and delicate. ‘Like butterfly wings’ I thought. But the act of brushing away one’s hair from the eyes had been fossilized in mind to think it belonged only to Pinky. So there was Pinky’s image in front of me again. I was choked with remorse.
‘What’s the matter Rohan?’ I heard Uma ask.
‘Oh nothing’ I said and smiled, letting Pinky’s memory retreat back to its place at the back of my mind.
‘Wow, so you’re a poet?’ she said. ‘I’ve always wanted a poet for a friend; I think they’re so romantic.’ She looked at me with a twinkle in her eyes.
‘But I’m not a poet’ I protested. ‘I just like to try my hand at writing poetry, not that I’m at all any good at it.’
‘Nevertheless’ she continued, ‘I’m sure you write beautiful poetry, I can see it in your eyes; they have that distant glow that most poets and mystics have. Yer not a mystic are you?’
‘I don’t think so’ I replied and drained my glass only to top it off once more. I noticed that both Uma and Layla had finished their drinks too. ‘Can I buy you girls another drink?’ I asked with honest benevolence.
Uma looked offended. ‘No we’ll get it ourselves, thank you though’ she replied politely.
I realized my mistake and gave them an embarrassed smile. They ordered two flasks of whiskey. ‘Wow, these girls sure can drink’ I thought.
Meanwhile, a chubby little guy had walked up to Layla and they had started to talk. I didn’t think much of it until Layla gave a little shriek to which the little guy walked hurriedly away. Layla was crying, I asked her what was wrong, but she didn’t answer. Uma turned to her and I heard them whispering to each other.
After a while Uma turned to me and as if nothing was wrong explained that the chubby dude had tried to kiss Layla. ‘Oh she’s such a little baby to let something as trifle as that upset her.’
I looked around for that guy. My male ego was most certainly hurt. How could another guy approach a girl in my company and try to kiss her? It was unheard of!
Uma took my hand in hers. ‘Relax Rohan, it’s no big deal.’ But it was! How could she have known how a man felt? It was, a ‘guy thing’, as they’d have put it. She squeezed my hand a little bit, I calmed down.
‘Listen, Layla gets really upset when schite like this happens, she wants to go home.’ She said in a rather remorseful tone. I listened in silence. ‘Here’s my number, give me a call when yer free, aite?’ she said handing me a piece of paper which I pocketed instinctively.
She then asked the waiter for the bill and paid him off. ‘Tell Pete we had to leave, will you darling?’
I nodded, once again at a loss of words with a bump rising inside my throat. ‘Promise me you won’t fight with that little guy Rohan’ she added.
‘I promise’ I said rather taken a back. ‘I wouldn’t have to fight that looser, I’d have just smashed his face in, simple as that.’ I said to myself.
She gave me a peck on the cheek and left. Layla didn’t even say goodbye. My eyes found themselves following her until she disappeared through the door. ‘Loosers’ I thought as I saw the heads turn again.
I was alone again. I turned towards my beer for company but it was empty. I noticed that Uma and Layla had left without even finishing their drinks. I pulled the two flasks towards myself and poured my self a whole flask. I downed it. I poured myself the other flask then. I downed that one too. I felt pretty tipsy. I got to my feet but they felt like they were made of rubber. In a slow wobbly stride I made my way up to the bathroom. I looked at the two doors. One of them had ‘Ladies’ written on it and the other said ‘Gents’ I eyed them both as if I was wondering which one to go into. I quickly went into the one that said ‘Gents’ when I heard a few voices come towards me.
